It has been a while

Wow! I have not kept up with this. I can say, quite a bit has happened since my last post in 2015.  I was feeling pretty low then.

I am still as close to Jesus as ever! I focused all my energies towards Him and He has blessed me.  I have an incredible man in my life now. <3 even="" expected="" p="" this="" who="">
I met my teddybear online about a year and a half ago.  Teddybear says it was 2 years ago. Meh. I know it was about a year and a half ago.  We chatted online for a few weeks. Then he called me. He had said originally that he had a stroke but that he was doing much better. I wrote him off.  I work for state insurance and I did not want anything to mess with my job. A few guys I spoke with wanted advise on how to get more help from the state once they knew what I did for a living. No THANK YOU!

Last January, I met a guy online. He seemed really amazing! He was speaking my love language. Then I met him in person. He is handsome but so so lost. He was still on probation! He was living at a half way house and not yet taking care of his business. I knew right away, he was trying to jump into something he had no business being involved with. So I tried to just be a good friend. Which did not work at all. He wanted an intimate relationship and a place to live when he was done with his obligation. He wouldn't listen to me. He bullied me (he picked up on how much of a push over I am). I ended up changing my locks and one of my brothers at church got involved to help me. I felt bad because I wanted to help him get set up so he could be successful. I don't feel bad now. Jesus knows my intentions.

In March, I had church camp-meeting. This is like a big revival like in the old days. We are outside and we fellowship together. We camp and we picnic and we enjoy where we were. I am so blessed because our camp-meeting was at the lake. It was so beautiful!

My teddybear had texted me the night before after about 8 months of not saying anything. For clarification, he was not my teddybear then. I told him I had plans to be at the lake and invited him to join us. I warned him it was a church thing. This is central in my life! He said he will see what his schedule is like the next day.

HE CAME OUT! The next day, I was helping my friends set up the sound. My teddybear texted me he was on his way if I still wanted to meet him. I got so excited! And, of course, nervous. He drove up in a bus yellow Jeep Wrangler. I was talking to one of my church princesses and about our hike we planned for later that afternoon. Here he walks up to us. I gave him a side hug and we sat down. Brother Mike Tucker was our main speaker and he discussed relationships. Talk about God's planning!

Teddybear got it! He heard what Brother Tucker said! Then we broke out in our individual sessions.  My princess, her mom and my now teddybear when on a 5 mile hike. We were geocaching which was SO MUCH FUN! Teddybear kept up. He didn't complain. He was so helpful! <3 a="" adores="" and="" appreciated="" as="" asked="" back="" brother="" camp="" close="" consider="" could="" course="" dad="" daddy="" for="" her="" him="" i="" if="" left="" liked="" lot="" me="" met="" mom="" my="" nbsp="" of="" on="" our="" p="" princess="" rest="" ride="" said="" she="" site.="" talked="" teddybear="" that="" the="" to="" too.="" walk.="" way="" we="" well.="" who="" with="" yes.="">
We made it back to catch the afternoon service. Brother Tucker talked about dating and respect. He gave a few examples of counseling sessions he had been giving. He spoke to us women (and girls) and to the men (and boys). He stressed respect and honor and loyalty and love. What a blessing!

Teddybear and I walked that evening around the lake. It was romantic and sweet. We checked out "the castle". We watched the sun set. We saw a hawk. It was so lovely. He was very respectful and sweet. God HEARD ME!

Here we are. ALMOST a year later. We are engaged. He has been so incredible! He is loving and respectful. He listens to me. He stops what he is doing to listen to what I am saying. He supports me in my ministries and my hobbies. He encourages me and he loves me!

I thank Jesus everyday for him! I pray to be a good wife. I don't want to disappoint him. I know I will be most successful by staying in prayer every day all day.

God does love me! It isn't because He has trusted me to be in another relationship. Even without teddybear, I am ok. I have a purpose. I have a reason to be. And I am allowed to be me! My teddybear is a blessing I refuse to take for granted. <3 p="">

Something New

Well, let's see how I do with this. :)

Hurt

Wow. No man on earth wants me to be their Lifemate. So. My dream of mommy is over. Today will be a sad day. Then tomorrow, I make new goals.

I hurt. My heart is broken.

Romantic Musings

I was told recently that my dream to meet a man who would sweep me of my feet was unrealistic. And yet, I know he is there. Sigh.

I appreciate thoughtfulness. When I get ready to go to work, what a pleasant surprise on a chilly morning, my car has been started for me. Even better is when there is gas in the car too!

When I come home, what a lovely site to behold. Dinner at the dining table waiting. A hot home made from scratch meal not from boxes or cans with a nice glass of wine.

When I walk in the door, my house smells clean and inviting.

When I go to bed, my man is there to cuddle with  me until I fall asleep.

When I wake up, my man gets up with me just to see me off. (He would already be up since he started my car already). He helps me find my glasses, my keys, my wallet and my phone. He makes sure I am set for lunch.

What's even better:

Not being called horrible names. Not being punished for returning my tithe to Jesus every month with my hard earned money. Not being made to feel like I am at home. Not monitoring every bite I eat. Not using me. Not picking on me until I cry. Not hogging up all the internet so I can't use it. Not yelling at me because I want to play on my PS3. I don't even get to use it that often!

I appreciate being told I am beautiful. I appreciate flowers. I appreciate being lifted up in prayer. I love hearing "I love you!" "I value you" "I am so thankful for you".

I gave my heart

I love you! I gave my hearty to you trusting you would protect it and keep it safe. But you broke it. You stomped on my heart till it could no longer brat. You ripped it from my chest with no thought to the effect on me. 

I still love you. Take me back! Take me away from all this?! Please??? Help bathe my battle scars. Be my nurse and help me heal. Remind me every day of my value to you. Show me how beautiful I am to you. Help me to understand that I don't need to compare myself to this world because I'm above it all.

Kiss me until I can't stand anymore. Hold me when I melt. Carry me in your strong embrace and show me that your love has no end.

Whisk me away from my torment. Help me see the sun again. Give me back my joy.

True Love

Finally. I unloaded my feelings. And now I feel more confused than before. Oh I want us back. I'm realistic enough to know we won't be like we were before. I've had so many failed relationships now since you. Will we last? 

I love you! I never stopped. I was so hurt. :( I love seeing your messages now. I always smile when I see a poke from you. You have always listened to me when I tell you about work, school, my family. You never made me feel like I didn't matter.

When I was sick, you were sweet and loving. You couldn't stay close because if you get sick it is wat worse. But you were never insulting. You cooked real food for me. I appreciate that. You never complained about my cooking. Even if it was a flop.

Oh I don't want to hope we will get back together. I think it will hurt more this time of that wasn't what you wanted.

And neither of us can pursue another relationship anyway.

I know I need to end things. This guy is toxic. He says I'm stupid. I'm ridiculous. He doesn't tell me I am beautiful. He sure doesn't treat me with respect. He doesn't trust me. I am not allowed to be friends with any men. 

He spends all my money. He justifies himself.he has no intention of making this right.

He never lets people know I'm even

Here. I'm just a thorn in his side. I'm done. I just need to get away.

I'm tired of crying every day. My heart is so tangled up in hurt and pain and negativity. I have to go to work to feel like I matter.

But not with you. You make me feel pretty and accepted. Sigh. Why did your mom have to meddle?

Sigh. So I'm stuck.

Oh, Jesus. Help me? Help me see clearly where I need to go. Please open the path I need to traverse. Even if I am not to be with my Sweet, I wish to be with You more.

I lift my Sweet up to you. You know his physical ailments. You know his heart ailments. Lord, help him to know You love him even more than I do. 

Thank, Jesus. For hearing me. Thank You, for accepting just like this. I want to bring honor to You. Grant me peace, understanding, direction.

I love You.

Fakers gonna fake fake fake

Seriously, I've been hoping for positive attention for months now. I'm just tired of this all. I'm tired of paying the majority of the bills. I'm tired of not being allowed to go anywhere because your afraid of something. Bull. I'm tired of being told I don't know anything. I'm tired of being told I'm an embarrassment. I'm me. If I don't agree with something I'm gonna say it.

I'm tired you putting my business down. I'm just tired of it all.

Then you break my heart because I can't even turn you on? You'd rather jerk off than be with me. Wow. Again, you aren't just mean, you're cruel. You look for the most hurtful things to say. I'm tired of it.

So now I'm cleaning up. Again. And most of this crap is YOURS! But of course, you'll just dump it back on me.

Your racism bothers me. Your attitude about people bother me. I would be willing to tolerate it if you honestly meant to change. But you don't.

So now I'm judge mental and critical. I just say what I feel. I'm tired of being put down everyday.

So how am I supposed to believe all this? Sure you'll do this for a week or two. But I know it won't last. It never has.

I'd rather be alone "hiding" behind Jesus.

So, I will be praying so I can keep reflecting Jesus. That's all I truly have.