Much better

Today is much better. I took my test and I feel really good about it. I'll find out how I did timorriw. One of my girlfriends from class had a biopsy done recently. I just found out. The results aren't back yet, but apparently her levels are too high. What levels? She has to go see an endocrinologist now. She's scared. Sigh. I want to make it better. She is so positive and optimistic. It hurts me to see her this way. She is part of my encouragement crew. If you don't kind, please pray for her?

I received another email from my ex-husband. He did intend on sending me emails. I had asked to not be contacted because the last interaction we had, he disrespected me. He wanted the divorce. I didn't. I considered trying to make a go of our relationship, but we aren't on the same level anymore. So I cut his family off. So imagine my complete surprise to find he is in Tanzania teaching. Wow! I would never have seen this!

Part of me is angry. We should be doing this together. We should have celebrated 11 years of marriage. This brings back so much hurt.

Part of me is impressed. Good for him! He has stepped out of his comfort zone and is doing God's work. Is he safe? Is he comfortable? Is he following the health advisories? 

I'm praying for him. I hope he is happy. I really do wish him well.

Then, talking with my boyfriend today. He has a job interview tomorrow. He really really wants this. So I want it for him. But we are having problems. He doesn't believe in Jesus like I do. We are definitely unequally yoked. But what do I do? I've already aligned myself with him. I find myself wanting out. I'm tired of fighting and hurting. 

He has his good characteristics. His bad ones are overwhelming for me. He's racist. He cusses a lot. He's extremely impatient. He does not encourage me. He does not help me with the bills. I'm tired of it all.

And throw in his children. I hoped I could relate to them like I do with my youth at church. That definitely did not happen. They do whatever they want. My boy friend didn't back me up. So, I'm the bad guy. I specifically told him I didn't want to be in this position. And here I am.

To top it off, so many of my friends are having babies. I want to be a mom. I can't find any other woman who has my problem. I can't find a support group to join. I'm so alone on this. My boyfriend doesn't want any more children. So, what do I do?

I go back to, Ok, God. What do I do? Am I going to be given the opportunity to be a mom? Am I going to get to be a teacher? Am I going to realize my dreams?

I woke up this morning feeling much calmer. I'm thankful He lives and accepts me. I know He cries with me. I know my pain is His pain. That provides me with comfort. Now, I'm listening. I'm trying to quiet my heart mind and soul to hear His voice. What do I do?

Confused

I feel like in on the edge of a hurricane. My boyfriend is too much for me. I feel inadequate and yet I feel used. Then he does something sweet to throw me off. Since January though it's more bs than good. Then I have to deal with his sons for most of the summer. No big, I thought. Ha. I was wrong. I'm being lifted up to be slammed down again and again. 

So they don't respect me. My boyfriend didn't help with that either. My house is disgusting. I don't feel like I belong there.

Then I discover my ex-husband is in Tanzania. Praise Jesus he has appeared to finally have a solid relationship with Him! That makes my heart glad. I'm so thrown though. He is in Tanzania!!!! Argh!!!!! 

So, God. I'm confused. I'm really really confused. What am I doing? Why am I here struggling like this? Where am I supposed to go?