True Love

Finally. I unloaded my feelings. And now I feel more confused than before. Oh I want us back. I'm realistic enough to know we won't be like we were before. I've had so many failed relationships now since you. Will we last? 

I love you! I never stopped. I was so hurt. :( I love seeing your messages now. I always smile when I see a poke from you. You have always listened to me when I tell you about work, school, my family. You never made me feel like I didn't matter.

When I was sick, you were sweet and loving. You couldn't stay close because if you get sick it is wat worse. But you were never insulting. You cooked real food for me. I appreciate that. You never complained about my cooking. Even if it was a flop.

Oh I don't want to hope we will get back together. I think it will hurt more this time of that wasn't what you wanted.

And neither of us can pursue another relationship anyway.

I know I need to end things. This guy is toxic. He says I'm stupid. I'm ridiculous. He doesn't tell me I am beautiful. He sure doesn't treat me with respect. He doesn't trust me. I am not allowed to be friends with any men. 

He spends all my money. He justifies himself.he has no intention of making this right.

He never lets people know I'm even

Here. I'm just a thorn in his side. I'm done. I just need to get away.

I'm tired of crying every day. My heart is so tangled up in hurt and pain and negativity. I have to go to work to feel like I matter.

But not with you. You make me feel pretty and accepted. Sigh. Why did your mom have to meddle?

Sigh. So I'm stuck.

Oh, Jesus. Help me? Help me see clearly where I need to go. Please open the path I need to traverse. Even if I am not to be with my Sweet, I wish to be with You more.

I lift my Sweet up to you. You know his physical ailments. You know his heart ailments. Lord, help him to know You love him even more than I do. 

Thank, Jesus. For hearing me. Thank You, for accepting just like this. I want to bring honor to You. Grant me peace, understanding, direction.

I love You.

Fakers gonna fake fake fake

Seriously, I've been hoping for positive attention for months now. I'm just tired of this all. I'm tired of paying the majority of the bills. I'm tired of not being allowed to go anywhere because your afraid of something. Bull. I'm tired of being told I don't know anything. I'm tired of being told I'm an embarrassment. I'm me. If I don't agree with something I'm gonna say it.

I'm tired you putting my business down. I'm just tired of it all.

Then you break my heart because I can't even turn you on? You'd rather jerk off than be with me. Wow. Again, you aren't just mean, you're cruel. You look for the most hurtful things to say. I'm tired of it.

So now I'm cleaning up. Again. And most of this crap is YOURS! But of course, you'll just dump it back on me.

Your racism bothers me. Your attitude about people bother me. I would be willing to tolerate it if you honestly meant to change. But you don't.

So now I'm judge mental and critical. I just say what I feel. I'm tired of being put down everyday.

So how am I supposed to believe all this? Sure you'll do this for a week or two. But I know it won't last. It never has.

I'd rather be alone "hiding" behind Jesus.

So, I will be praying so I can keep reflecting Jesus. That's all I truly have.

Story Line

My current book: 

Woman in her mid 30's is taking a shower. She's thinking about her day. She weighs 225 lbs at 5' even. She doesn't look as far but more voluptuous. 

She gets an idea to write a book about her life but mix fantasy into it. By the end of the book, her fantasy came real.

It's a real life novel. Current day. Narrative is present tense with flash backs that turn into fantasies.

Start by writing 5 pages a day, minimum.

Much better

Today is much better. I took my test and I feel really good about it. I'll find out how I did timorriw. One of my girlfriends from class had a biopsy done recently. I just found out. The results aren't back yet, but apparently her levels are too high. What levels? She has to go see an endocrinologist now. She's scared. Sigh. I want to make it better. She is so positive and optimistic. It hurts me to see her this way. She is part of my encouragement crew. If you don't kind, please pray for her?

I received another email from my ex-husband. He did intend on sending me emails. I had asked to not be contacted because the last interaction we had, he disrespected me. He wanted the divorce. I didn't. I considered trying to make a go of our relationship, but we aren't on the same level anymore. So I cut his family off. So imagine my complete surprise to find he is in Tanzania teaching. Wow! I would never have seen this!

Part of me is angry. We should be doing this together. We should have celebrated 11 years of marriage. This brings back so much hurt.

Part of me is impressed. Good for him! He has stepped out of his comfort zone and is doing God's work. Is he safe? Is he comfortable? Is he following the health advisories? 

I'm praying for him. I hope he is happy. I really do wish him well.

Then, talking with my boyfriend today. He has a job interview tomorrow. He really really wants this. So I want it for him. But we are having problems. He doesn't believe in Jesus like I do. We are definitely unequally yoked. But what do I do? I've already aligned myself with him. I find myself wanting out. I'm tired of fighting and hurting. 

He has his good characteristics. His bad ones are overwhelming for me. He's racist. He cusses a lot. He's extremely impatient. He does not encourage me. He does not help me with the bills. I'm tired of it all.

And throw in his children. I hoped I could relate to them like I do with my youth at church. That definitely did not happen. They do whatever they want. My boy friend didn't back me up. So, I'm the bad guy. I specifically told him I didn't want to be in this position. And here I am.

To top it off, so many of my friends are having babies. I want to be a mom. I can't find any other woman who has my problem. I can't find a support group to join. I'm so alone on this. My boyfriend doesn't want any more children. So, what do I do?

I go back to, Ok, God. What do I do? Am I going to be given the opportunity to be a mom? Am I going to get to be a teacher? Am I going to realize my dreams?

I woke up this morning feeling much calmer. I'm thankful He lives and accepts me. I know He cries with me. I know my pain is His pain. That provides me with comfort. Now, I'm listening. I'm trying to quiet my heart mind and soul to hear His voice. What do I do?

Confused

I feel like in on the edge of a hurricane. My boyfriend is too much for me. I feel inadequate and yet I feel used. Then he does something sweet to throw me off. Since January though it's more bs than good. Then I have to deal with his sons for most of the summer. No big, I thought. Ha. I was wrong. I'm being lifted up to be slammed down again and again. 

So they don't respect me. My boyfriend didn't help with that either. My house is disgusting. I don't feel like I belong there.

Then I discover my ex-husband is in Tanzania. Praise Jesus he has appeared to finally have a solid relationship with Him! That makes my heart glad. I'm so thrown though. He is in Tanzania!!!! Argh!!!!! 

So, God. I'm confused. I'm really really confused. What am I doing? Why am I here struggling like this? Where am I supposed to go?