Something New

Well, let's see how I do with this. :)

Hurt

Wow. No man on earth wants me to be their Lifemate. So. My dream of mommy is over. Today will be a sad day. Then tomorrow, I make new goals.

I hurt. My heart is broken.

Romantic Musings

I was told recently that my dream to meet a man who would sweep me of my feet was unrealistic. And yet, I know he is there. Sigh.

I appreciate thoughtfulness. When I get ready to go to work, what a pleasant surprise on a chilly morning, my car has been started for me. Even better is when there is gas in the car too!

When I come home, what a lovely site to behold. Dinner at the dining table waiting. A hot home made from scratch meal not from boxes or cans with a nice glass of wine.

When I walk in the door, my house smells clean and inviting.

When I go to bed, my man is there to cuddle with  me until I fall asleep.

When I wake up, my man gets up with me just to see me off. (He would already be up since he started my car already). He helps me find my glasses, my keys, my wallet and my phone. He makes sure I am set for lunch.

What's even better:

Not being called horrible names. Not being punished for returning my tithe to Jesus every month with my hard earned money. Not being made to feel like I am at home. Not monitoring every bite I eat. Not using me. Not picking on me until I cry. Not hogging up all the internet so I can't use it. Not yelling at me because I want to play on my PS3. I don't even get to use it that often!

I appreciate being told I am beautiful. I appreciate flowers. I appreciate being lifted up in prayer. I love hearing "I love you!" "I value you" "I am so thankful for you".

I gave my heart

I love you! I gave my hearty to you trusting you would protect it and keep it safe. But you broke it. You stomped on my heart till it could no longer brat. You ripped it from my chest with no thought to the effect on me. 

I still love you. Take me back! Take me away from all this?! Please??? Help bathe my battle scars. Be my nurse and help me heal. Remind me every day of my value to you. Show me how beautiful I am to you. Help me to understand that I don't need to compare myself to this world because I'm above it all.

Kiss me until I can't stand anymore. Hold me when I melt. Carry me in your strong embrace and show me that your love has no end.

Whisk me away from my torment. Help me see the sun again. Give me back my joy.

True Love

Finally. I unloaded my feelings. And now I feel more confused than before. Oh I want us back. I'm realistic enough to know we won't be like we were before. I've had so many failed relationships now since you. Will we last? 

I love you! I never stopped. I was so hurt. :( I love seeing your messages now. I always smile when I see a poke from you. You have always listened to me when I tell you about work, school, my family. You never made me feel like I didn't matter.

When I was sick, you were sweet and loving. You couldn't stay close because if you get sick it is wat worse. But you were never insulting. You cooked real food for me. I appreciate that. You never complained about my cooking. Even if it was a flop.

Oh I don't want to hope we will get back together. I think it will hurt more this time of that wasn't what you wanted.

And neither of us can pursue another relationship anyway.

I know I need to end things. This guy is toxic. He says I'm stupid. I'm ridiculous. He doesn't tell me I am beautiful. He sure doesn't treat me with respect. He doesn't trust me. I am not allowed to be friends with any men. 

He spends all my money. He justifies himself.he has no intention of making this right.

He never lets people know I'm even

Here. I'm just a thorn in his side. I'm done. I just need to get away.

I'm tired of crying every day. My heart is so tangled up in hurt and pain and negativity. I have to go to work to feel like I matter.

But not with you. You make me feel pretty and accepted. Sigh. Why did your mom have to meddle?

Sigh. So I'm stuck.

Oh, Jesus. Help me? Help me see clearly where I need to go. Please open the path I need to traverse. Even if I am not to be with my Sweet, I wish to be with You more.

I lift my Sweet up to you. You know his physical ailments. You know his heart ailments. Lord, help him to know You love him even more than I do. 

Thank, Jesus. For hearing me. Thank You, for accepting just like this. I want to bring honor to You. Grant me peace, understanding, direction.

I love You.

Fakers gonna fake fake fake

Seriously, I've been hoping for positive attention for months now. I'm just tired of this all. I'm tired of paying the majority of the bills. I'm tired of not being allowed to go anywhere because your afraid of something. Bull. I'm tired of being told I don't know anything. I'm tired of being told I'm an embarrassment. I'm me. If I don't agree with something I'm gonna say it.

I'm tired you putting my business down. I'm just tired of it all.

Then you break my heart because I can't even turn you on? You'd rather jerk off than be with me. Wow. Again, you aren't just mean, you're cruel. You look for the most hurtful things to say. I'm tired of it.

So now I'm cleaning up. Again. And most of this crap is YOURS! But of course, you'll just dump it back on me.

Your racism bothers me. Your attitude about people bother me. I would be willing to tolerate it if you honestly meant to change. But you don't.

So now I'm judge mental and critical. I just say what I feel. I'm tired of being put down everyday.

So how am I supposed to believe all this? Sure you'll do this for a week or two. But I know it won't last. It never has.

I'd rather be alone "hiding" behind Jesus.

So, I will be praying so I can keep reflecting Jesus. That's all I truly have.

Story Line

My current book: 

Woman in her mid 30's is taking a shower. She's thinking about her day. She weighs 225 lbs at 5' even. She doesn't look as far but more voluptuous. 

She gets an idea to write a book about her life but mix fantasy into it. By the end of the book, her fantasy came real.

It's a real life novel. Current day. Narrative is present tense with flash backs that turn into fantasies.

Start by writing 5 pages a day, minimum.