One of those moments

I'm still awake. I'm assaulted by feelings of doubt, loathing of myself, severe fear.

The man I haven't stopped loving is moving away tomorrow. I'm afraid to tell him I still love him. I'm feeling sick. I don't want him to go. I know he needs too.

I feel ugly, frumpy, fat, not worthy of anyones love. I'm defeated. How do I move up?

I want to be a mommy

I am afraid this will never happen. I am not respected at church. I don't deserve respect at home. I work too hard at work. I'm not appreciated, so what is my value.

Turmoil

I am so tired. I'm hurt and disappointed. I wonder if singing is wrong with me? I'm over weight so I hate how I look. I am not appreciated at church by the people who allow me to be there in the capacity I am at. I can't get a promotion at work. My family keeps hounding me to spend time with them. Is it wrong of me to want to be alone right now?

I still love a man who was in my life. I dream about him almost every night. I have been dreaming of him since we had started dating many years ago.

I am breaking things off with the man I am supposed to call husband. We aren't legally married. I feel like a fraud! I hurt him like I've been hurt many times before.

Lord Jesus, what is wrong with me? What am I supposed to do?

Right now, I am waiting. I crave alone time.

I am so tired. And fat. And ugly.

Stylefind is a fun site to window shop

I have been checking out stylefind.com for a few months now. I love it! I have been having fun looking at the new ideas and concepts suggested for my style. I agree with some and disagree with others. It is fun!

I am saving the ones I like so when I have the fundage, I can afford the pieces I like. You know, I hate knock off ideas. I am too much of a purist, but on my budget, I can't afford to be that picky. HAHA!

Well, until next time... Adios!

Today is the first of many

Since my divorce, whenever it was, I have learned to try to take each day as it comes. This is a difficult lesson for me because I always want to know what comes next. I like knowing where I am going and what to plan for. I hate spur of the moment stuff that is done with poor planning.

Yet, I am learning.

When I got divorced and I started to come out of my depression funk, I thought, well here is my chance to just date guys. Sow a few oats and go from there. I never had done that before. I made many mistakes growing and I know I will keep making many more but the opportunity to get out there and meet people was inticing.

Then when the time came, I didn't jump on it. It scared me! I was afraid!!! I don't want to keep getting hurt. I hate the heartache, the loneliness and the sitting on the couch crying with my stuffed giraffe wondering why I am so repulsive and ugly.

So the men I have dated are far and few between compared to many women I know. One girlfriend thinks it is an honor to not remember how many men she has had sex with. She can't remember their names nor does she want too! I still love her. She is a good friend. She has a great time and always has something to say to everyone! I just worry about her choices.

So should I describe myself now? Sure why not. It is my blog right?

I am a shorty at 5 even. Thank you to the army for pointing out taht I am not really the 1 inch I had thought for most of my adult life. I have horrible eyesight and praise Jesus for the featherweight option for my glasses. I hope to get contacts soon. I am overweight by 50lbs. I recently lost 30lbs due to the walking and other exercise I was engaging in. I am a white white woman. I glow in the day! People have been known to walk into a completely dark room with me in and put their sunglasses back on because of white I am. So yes, I burn easy. I have long reddish brownish blondish hair. It changes colors all by itself. My eyes are light blue. I have blond eyebrows so have to draw them in when I am planning on going out for the night.

I work full time at a hotel. I love my job usually. I don't get along with everyon but I adore my boss. He is freaking AWESOME! He takes great care of us. He is also first to discipline when needed. He is like our dad. Well, he can be my dad. Mine doesn't care for me too much.

Well, so what else? Hm... well, I guess it is back to work for now. CIAO!