Confused

I feel like in on the edge of a hurricane. My boyfriend is too much for me. I feel inadequate and yet I feel used. Then he does something sweet to throw me off. Since January though it's more bs than good. Then I have to deal with his sons for most of the summer. No big, I thought. Ha. I was wrong. I'm being lifted up to be slammed down again and again. 

So they don't respect me. My boyfriend didn't help with that either. My house is disgusting. I don't feel like I belong there.

Then I discover my ex-husband is in Tanzania. Praise Jesus he has appeared to finally have a solid relationship with Him! That makes my heart glad. I'm so thrown though. He is in Tanzania!!!! Argh!!!!! 

So, God. I'm confused. I'm really really confused. What am I doing? Why am I here struggling like this? Where am I supposed to go?

Ramblings for today

I am off today from working at the hotel.  I was trying to sleep in.  I woke up from another night mare.  So I am going to study.  I have ALOT to do today for school.

I am currently sitting here watching Rachel Ray.  She was allowed to reveal the sex of on of the audience's baby.  I am joyful for them and yet crazy sad for me.  I want to be a mommy.

So, instead of thinking about that, I am going back to studying.  In a couple of hours, I want to head to central library. I want to turn in my books and get some research completed.

What to eat at this moment... I just had some cherry yogurt.  Hm...  NOMS!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY


Outside my window... I see my work parking lot.  The wind has been blowing so hard it is knocking down our potted plants.

I am thinking... I need to get a ton of essays written.  I am not sure how to deal with the abusive relationship I am in.  I am dreading the arrival of my boss.  I really need to get some more sleep.

I am thankful... I am employeed.  My part-time night job is my favorite.  I love working these incredible adults as they try to better themselves.

In the kitchen... I actually have food! :D  I love it!

I am wearing... my periwinkle blue uniform shirt and my brown slacks with my white ankle socks and black keds.  I need new shoes though.  I blew out the bottoms of my shoes.

I am creating... essays for college.  I have 2 essays due in my Religion class. 2 essays due in my American Lit 2 class.  One essay due for my application into the Education department.  5 reviews of technology articles due for my computer class.  I have 3 essays due for my bonus assignment in my computer class.  I have a bunch of projects due for my computer class.  I have 3 more articles to review for my health class and I have to turn in 4 logs tracking my exercise.  I am also at the midterm for all my classes.  They need to be completed this week.

I am going... to not cry.  I am feeling very overwhelmed.

I am wondering...What I can do that isn't obviously school related I can continue to work on when my boss gets here.

I am reading... text books.  I want to read for fun!

I am hoping... my boyfriend will realize what he is doing and get out there and get a job.

I am looking forward to... my job tonight.  I love being there!

I am learning... see my creating entry. :P  I am learning more about computers than I ever hoped I could.  I also love my religion class.  I wish I had more time in a day.

Around the house... I need to vaccuum my bedroom.  I don't know when I will get around to it though.

I am pondering... my time management for today.

A favorite quote for today... God loves me.  He has value in me.  I am His Daughter.  I am heir to His throne of grace, love and mercy.

One of my favorite things... McDonalds. :D

A few plans for the rest of the week: Work at job one, work at job 2, get caught up in my classes, maybe check out a new apartment complex.  Or not on the the last one. :D

A peek into my day... I got up at 520am.  I caught the bus at 550am.  I got to work at 645am.  I counted my drawer.  I printed my reports.  I did my review on what to expect at work.  I blocked my incoming guests and made their keys.  I stocked in the cupboard.  I checked the coffee machine.  I set up my computer class assignment.  I am just waiting for guests to check out with me and I am going to get these articles written.  Then at 310pm, I will walk to the bus stop to take me to my second job.  I will sit at Church's Chicken and work on my homework for an hour and a half then walk to the school.  I will be cleaning out my new office and organizing it the way I want it.  I will work with on of my ESL students and help his pronounciation for about 45 minutes.  Then I will get the testing schedule for this week outlined.  I have to speak to my teachers to let them know where we stand.  I have 8 students who HAVE to get tested.
(add your picture here)  I will have to try to do this later.
Used with permission from: http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

One of those moments

I'm still awake. I'm assaulted by feelings of doubt, loathing of myself, severe fear.

The man I haven't stopped loving is moving away tomorrow. I'm afraid to tell him I still love him. I'm feeling sick. I don't want him to go. I know he needs too.

I feel ugly, frumpy, fat, not worthy of anyones love. I'm defeated. How do I move up?

I want to be a mommy

I am afraid this will never happen. I am not respected at church. I don't deserve respect at home. I work too hard at work. I'm not appreciated, so what is my value.

Turmoil

I am so tired. I'm hurt and disappointed. I wonder if singing is wrong with me? I'm over weight so I hate how I look. I am not appreciated at church by the people who allow me to be there in the capacity I am at. I can't get a promotion at work. My family keeps hounding me to spend time with them. Is it wrong of me to want to be alone right now?

I still love a man who was in my life. I dream about him almost every night. I have been dreaming of him since we had started dating many years ago.

I am breaking things off with the man I am supposed to call husband. We aren't legally married. I feel like a fraud! I hurt him like I've been hurt many times before.

Lord Jesus, what is wrong with me? What am I supposed to do?

Right now, I am waiting. I crave alone time.

I am so tired. And fat. And ugly.

Stylefind is a fun site to window shop

I have been checking out stylefind.com for a few months now. I love it! I have been having fun looking at the new ideas and concepts suggested for my style. I agree with some and disagree with others. It is fun!

I am saving the ones I like so when I have the fundage, I can afford the pieces I like. You know, I hate knock off ideas. I am too much of a purist, but on my budget, I can't afford to be that picky. HAHA!

Well, until next time... Adios!