Much better

Today is much better. I took my test and I feel really good about it. I'll find out how I did timorriw. One of my girlfriends from class had a biopsy done recently. I just found out. The results aren't back yet, but apparently her levels are too high. What levels? She has to go see an endocrinologist now. She's scared. Sigh. I want to make it better. She is so positive and optimistic. It hurts me to see her this way. She is part of my encouragement crew. If you don't kind, please pray for her?

I received another email from my ex-husband. He did intend on sending me emails. I had asked to not be contacted because the last interaction we had, he disrespected me. He wanted the divorce. I didn't. I considered trying to make a go of our relationship, but we aren't on the same level anymore. So I cut his family off. So imagine my complete surprise to find he is in Tanzania teaching. Wow! I would never have seen this!

Part of me is angry. We should be doing this together. We should have celebrated 11 years of marriage. This brings back so much hurt.

Part of me is impressed. Good for him! He has stepped out of his comfort zone and is doing God's work. Is he safe? Is he comfortable? Is he following the health advisories? 

I'm praying for him. I hope he is happy. I really do wish him well.

Then, talking with my boyfriend today. He has a job interview tomorrow. He really really wants this. So I want it for him. But we are having problems. He doesn't believe in Jesus like I do. We are definitely unequally yoked. But what do I do? I've already aligned myself with him. I find myself wanting out. I'm tired of fighting and hurting. 

He has his good characteristics. His bad ones are overwhelming for me. He's racist. He cusses a lot. He's extremely impatient. He does not encourage me. He does not help me with the bills. I'm tired of it all.

And throw in his children. I hoped I could relate to them like I do with my youth at church. That definitely did not happen. They do whatever they want. My boy friend didn't back me up. So, I'm the bad guy. I specifically told him I didn't want to be in this position. And here I am.

To top it off, so many of my friends are having babies. I want to be a mom. I can't find any other woman who has my problem. I can't find a support group to join. I'm so alone on this. My boyfriend doesn't want any more children. So, what do I do?

I go back to, Ok, God. What do I do? Am I going to be given the opportunity to be a mom? Am I going to get to be a teacher? Am I going to realize my dreams?

I woke up this morning feeling much calmer. I'm thankful He lives and accepts me. I know He cries with me. I know my pain is His pain. That provides me with comfort. Now, I'm listening. I'm trying to quiet my heart mind and soul to hear His voice. What do I do?

Confused

I feel like in on the edge of a hurricane. My boyfriend is too much for me. I feel inadequate and yet I feel used. Then he does something sweet to throw me off. Since January though it's more bs than good. Then I have to deal with his sons for most of the summer. No big, I thought. Ha. I was wrong. I'm being lifted up to be slammed down again and again. 

So they don't respect me. My boyfriend didn't help with that either. My house is disgusting. I don't feel like I belong there.

Then I discover my ex-husband is in Tanzania. Praise Jesus he has appeared to finally have a solid relationship with Him! That makes my heart glad. I'm so thrown though. He is in Tanzania!!!! Argh!!!!! 

So, God. I'm confused. I'm really really confused. What am I doing? Why am I here struggling like this? Where am I supposed to go?

Ramblings for today

I am off today from working at the hotel.  I was trying to sleep in.  I woke up from another night mare.  So I am going to study.  I have ALOT to do today for school.

I am currently sitting here watching Rachel Ray.  She was allowed to reveal the sex of on of the audience's baby.  I am joyful for them and yet crazy sad for me.  I want to be a mommy.

So, instead of thinking about that, I am going back to studying.  In a couple of hours, I want to head to central library. I want to turn in my books and get some research completed.

What to eat at this moment... I just had some cherry yogurt.  Hm...  NOMS!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY


Outside my window... I see my work parking lot.  The wind has been blowing so hard it is knocking down our potted plants.

I am thinking... I need to get a ton of essays written.  I am not sure how to deal with the abusive relationship I am in.  I am dreading the arrival of my boss.  I really need to get some more sleep.

I am thankful... I am employeed.  My part-time night job is my favorite.  I love working these incredible adults as they try to better themselves.

In the kitchen... I actually have food! :D  I love it!

I am wearing... my periwinkle blue uniform shirt and my brown slacks with my white ankle socks and black keds.  I need new shoes though.  I blew out the bottoms of my shoes.

I am creating... essays for college.  I have 2 essays due in my Religion class. 2 essays due in my American Lit 2 class.  One essay due for my application into the Education department.  5 reviews of technology articles due for my computer class.  I have 3 essays due for my bonus assignment in my computer class.  I have a bunch of projects due for my computer class.  I have 3 more articles to review for my health class and I have to turn in 4 logs tracking my exercise.  I am also at the midterm for all my classes.  They need to be completed this week.

I am going... to not cry.  I am feeling very overwhelmed.

I am wondering...What I can do that isn't obviously school related I can continue to work on when my boss gets here.

I am reading... text books.  I want to read for fun!

I am hoping... my boyfriend will realize what he is doing and get out there and get a job.

I am looking forward to... my job tonight.  I love being there!

I am learning... see my creating entry. :P  I am learning more about computers than I ever hoped I could.  I also love my religion class.  I wish I had more time in a day.

Around the house... I need to vaccuum my bedroom.  I don't know when I will get around to it though.

I am pondering... my time management for today.

A favorite quote for today... God loves me.  He has value in me.  I am His Daughter.  I am heir to His throne of grace, love and mercy.

One of my favorite things... McDonalds. :D

A few plans for the rest of the week: Work at job one, work at job 2, get caught up in my classes, maybe check out a new apartment complex.  Or not on the the last one. :D

A peek into my day... I got up at 520am.  I caught the bus at 550am.  I got to work at 645am.  I counted my drawer.  I printed my reports.  I did my review on what to expect at work.  I blocked my incoming guests and made their keys.  I stocked in the cupboard.  I checked the coffee machine.  I set up my computer class assignment.  I am just waiting for guests to check out with me and I am going to get these articles written.  Then at 310pm, I will walk to the bus stop to take me to my second job.  I will sit at Church's Chicken and work on my homework for an hour and a half then walk to the school.  I will be cleaning out my new office and organizing it the way I want it.  I will work with on of my ESL students and help his pronounciation for about 45 minutes.  Then I will get the testing schedule for this week outlined.  I have to speak to my teachers to let them know where we stand.  I have 8 students who HAVE to get tested.
(add your picture here)  I will have to try to do this later.
Used with permission from: http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

One of those moments

I'm still awake. I'm assaulted by feelings of doubt, loathing of myself, severe fear.

The man I haven't stopped loving is moving away tomorrow. I'm afraid to tell him I still love him. I'm feeling sick. I don't want him to go. I know he needs too.

I feel ugly, frumpy, fat, not worthy of anyones love. I'm defeated. How do I move up?

I want to be a mommy

I am afraid this will never happen. I am not respected at church. I don't deserve respect at home. I work too hard at work. I'm not appreciated, so what is my value.

Turmoil

I am so tired. I'm hurt and disappointed. I wonder if singing is wrong with me? I'm over weight so I hate how I look. I am not appreciated at church by the people who allow me to be there in the capacity I am at. I can't get a promotion at work. My family keeps hounding me to spend time with them. Is it wrong of me to want to be alone right now?

I still love a man who was in my life. I dream about him almost every night. I have been dreaming of him since we had started dating many years ago.

I am breaking things off with the man I am supposed to call husband. We aren't legally married. I feel like a fraud! I hurt him like I've been hurt many times before.

Lord Jesus, what is wrong with me? What am I supposed to do?

Right now, I am waiting. I crave alone time.

I am so tired. And fat. And ugly.